Am I Overthinking??
Do you think it is possible to literally not think at all for more than 5 seconds?…ummm…without substances lol! But for real, is it possible to not have a thought for more than 5 seconds?! No, I don’t think so either. The reality is that you are always thinking…the question is…what are you thinking? What or who is the focus on your thoughts? Our thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, and actions are all connected. In other words, what you think about is connected to your feelings (anxious, sad, anger, happy, disgust) which is connected to physical sensations (tingling in your legs or hands or feet, butterflies in your stomach, headaches, stomachaches, muscle tension, chest pain, hot, etc.) and actions (yelling, fighting, withdrawing, avoiding a situation).
How do you know if you are overthinking? Your thoughts are probably swimming around in your head, hard to keep up with, and might even feel overwhelming in your mind. You might feel intense stress, anxiety, irritation and anger, or sadness. This could come out as being short-tempered, unfocused, on edge, snappy, tension in shoulders and back, and other physical feelings in your body. Another sign of overthinking is ongoing conflict in relationships, disagreements, and arguments. There are usually layers of contributors to these types of conflicts, but overthinking is often one of the layers!
What is overthinking? There are very likely a number of definitions that you will find and I am sure they all have validity and something you can take from it to apply to your life. Overthinking is an untrue, unhelpful, and unskillful pattern of thinking that is often laced with old wounds, trauma, hurt, and pain. What does all that really mean? Let me break it down…
- Untrue…the thoughts do not line up with the facts, are not a true reflection of who you are, and (for those that have a spiritual perspective) do not align with what God says is true.
- Unhelpful…the thoughts are not helping how you feel, not helping you make wise decisions, not helping your relationships to be healthy, and are not productive. Some thoughts can be true (e.g., I could get into a car accident) but they are not productive or helpful to solely focus on or repetitively rehearse in your mind.
- Unskillful…the thoughts are undisciplined, running around in your head with no monitoring and supervision, have not been subjected to proper training, and lack the skill of a wise, balanced, and healthy approach.
- Pattern of thinking…overthinking usually does not happen once. It is usually a pattern of problematic thinking. Examples are jumping to conclusions about why somebody did or did not do something (e.g., call/text you back, laugh when you walked in the room, did not speak to you) without all of the facts; social comparisons (e.g., comparing yourself to others in a way that is unfair and unhelpful to you); and catastrophic thinking (e.g., thinking that the worst possible thing will happen). Please see https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/cognitive-distortions for more information on patterns of unproductive thinking (e.g., cognitive distortions or thinking errors). These patterns of thinking are often associated with anxiety, depression, and anger.
- Old wounds, trauma, hurt, and pain…hurt from past relationships (friends, parents, other relatives, romantic partners, teachers, bosses, faith leaders), rejection, abuse and maltreatment, neglect, witnessing violence and intense ways of expressing emotions (yelling, throwing things, going from happy and okay to angry and violent), being cared for by adults who were emotionally unavailable, and the list goes on…
As you can see, overthinking includes a wide range of problematic and unhelpful ways of thinking. We ALL do it…the goal is to pay attention to your thoughts, non-judgmentally notice when you are falling into an overthinking pattern, challenge your thoughts, and change your thoughts to become more productive, accurate, hopeful, and realistic. How do I do that? I’m glad you asked!! Here are a few tips to help turn your overthinking into healthy, productive thinking…
- Self-awareness. Again, please pay attention to what you are thinking. It is important to think about what you are thinking about. Get in the habit of monitoring your thoughts.
- Have a non-judgmental stance. As you pay attention to and observe your thoughts, do so non-judgmentally. It is unhelpful and unproductive to think or talk about yourself in negative ways for the thoughts and feelings you have. You are human!! It is what it is. You feel and think what you feel and think. The goal is to notice the feelings and physical sensations (“My shoulders are starting to feel tense, my heart is racing, my stomach is tingly, my hands are sweaty, I am nervous, overwhelmed, and irritable”), try to identify the associated thoughts (“I have so much to get done, I do not know where to get started, I can’t believe she is acting like that, I am not sure if my friends are really my friends, I love my kids but they are really getting on my nerves, am I a good parent/friend/partner?”), and what situation might have triggered the string of thoughts (e-mail reminders of deadlines, call/e-mail from the child’s school, argument with your partner, harsh criticism from a supervisor).
- Challenge Thoughts. Learn to self-challenge. Is there another way to look at this situation? Have I checked the evidence/facts and do they line up with what I am thinking? Is there another reason this might have happened? Is there anything I can do about the situation? Is this situation in my control or influence? Even if my thought is true, is it the most productive and helpful way of thinking? What is the evidence for/against my thoughts? Is the source of my thoughts reliable? Are my thoughts based on facts or my (or someone else’s) feelings? For people of faith, do my thoughts line up with God’s Word? Are there scriptures to help me align my thoughts with truth?
- Create a new thought/belief. As you answer these questions, allow your answers to help you create new ways of thinking. “This situation is understandably irritating and nerve-racking and there are many aspects of it that are outside of my control and influence. I have done what I can do to address it and it is not helpful for me keep thinking about it over and over. It is not helpful to take what she is saying/doing personally. It is not a reflection of me…it reflects her limitations and trauma history. I know who I am and I know my capabilities and strengths. I am not perfect AND I am not totally flawed and broken. I will take deep breaths, focus on what I am grateful for, take my daily tasks one at a time, and move forward with my day.”
- Post reminders. If needed, post reminders of these new thoughts/beliefs in places you look often (e.g., computer, refrigerator, bathroom mirror, walls in your bedroom or office, wallpaper on your phone, etc.). Having frequent reminders will help these new thoughts carry more weight in your mind than the old, unhelpful thoughts. Say these new thoughts out loud, digest them, and make them a part of your everyday thinking.