Am I Good Enough??

“Am I Good Enough?!?”

This is an all-too-common question that, whether we realize it or not, we have all asked ourselves at some point in our lives. For some, this question very often pops up in their minds. Even if these exact words do not run through your mind, you may likely still grapple with thoughts such as…

• What if he does not like me?
• What if she thinks I’m weird?
• What if they don’t hire me for this job?
• What if I fail?
• What if I say something wrong or embarrassing?
• Do I deserve to be here?
• What happens if I actually succeed…will people think I’m arrogant?
• They think I’m under-qualified.
• I only got this opportunity by chance…not because of my actual abilities and talents
• They do not like being around me.

…and a whole host of other thoughts and questions that basically communicate the same thing…self-doubt…

Self-doubt can be rooted in a range of life experiences and/or ways of thinking that have been fed and reinforced over time. These can include (not an exhaustive list):

• Ongoing bullying, teasing, and name-calling throughout school
• Feeling chronically left out throughout life
• Experiences of abuse or neglect
• Continuous criticism from parents, teachers, and other adults
• Difficulties with making friends or “fitting in”
• Being dismissed or rejected by family, friends, and those in our community
• Doing poorly in school especially when you have put forth effort
• Hearing negative or insensitive comments in response to success or accomplishments
• Limited to no acknowledgment of abilities, accomplishments, or basically who you are as a person (i.e., limited to no affirmation)
• Being fired from a job
• Feeling unsuccessful in relationships (friends, romantic relationships, co-workers, children)

If you recall having these types of life experiences and have thought the questions and statements listed above…it’s totally understandable! Many of us can relate to this experience…you are NOT alone! Remember, often times, we are all doing the best we can…and we must challenge ourselves to do better and try harder to grow personally. But, you might ask, where do I start? I now notice that I am struggling with self-doubt and I also realize that it has been a barrier to discovering, acknowledging, developing, and growing my gift and my purpose…I just do not know where to start with overcoming self-doubt and everything that comes with it!

The good news is there are strategies and steps that can be helpful! It is also important to remember that everyone has their own unique path. Basically, you have to find what works for you. However, these tips are some food for thought. Read them…reflect on them…try them…see what works for you! You can tell it is working when you start to genuinely think differently towards yourself; you start to feel less inadequate, less concerned about how others view you and more confident in your thoughts, ideas, and abilities; you start to feel less anxious and more…well, free!! You might also start to take steps and make decisions you know you would not have done in the past.

Okay, are you ready?! Read the list of suggestions below and try them out! Review the list again…keep trying! It is a process and these things take time…and taking the time is worth it. You are worth it!

• Belly breathing and non-judgmental acknowledgment. Take a big, deep belly breath in through your nose for about 3 to 4 seconds, hold it for 1 second, and slowly breathe out through your mouth for about 7 seconds. Focus on your breath. As you do this, acknowledge (without judgment…without thinking thoughts such as “I can’t believe I think this way about myself” “I am so weak” “Get over it!” “Suck it up!” “Just stop!) that you have had thoughts of not being “good enough”…you are human…it happens…and you are making a commitment to take steps to address these thoughts from a healthy, non-judgmental state of mind.

• Mindful prayer and affirmations. If you identify as a religious and/or spiritual person, connecting and talking with God can be helpful. Try to focus only on connecting and talking with God. If your mind wanders, that’s okay…gently bring your mind back to the conversation with God. Express thankfulness and gratitude to God for your blessings and unique ways that He created you (your talents, interests, personality traits, gifts); ask and thank Him for inner strength to confront your thoughts; and affirm yourself with what you know to be true. Focus on the healthy truths you know. For example, “I am good with computers and technology,” “I have several creative talents such as painting and drawing,” “Thank you God for making me an inquisitive and curious person and this helps me with my job or at school,” “I am approved and loved by God,” and “God loves me no matter what.” Find the statements, scripture, prayer, or affirmation that works for you!

• Change the question. Sometimes the questions we ask only lead us down an unhealthy rabbit trail or spiral…What if I mess up? What if I am not good enough? What if I ruin this relationship? It is understandable why these questions may pop up in your mind…and the questions are often not helpful. So, work towards changing the question. What can I or do I do well that I can bring to the situation? What have I learned that will position me for this opportunity or relationship? What value do I add to this situation? What can I research or pray about to better position me for what’s to come? These questions can hopefully send you down a more productive path.

• Challenge and Change the thought. Practice noticing and challenging your thoughts. This requires an increased awareness about what you are thinking about. This takes practice! Notice the thoughts connected to feelings of anxiety, fear, stress, sadness, etc. The thoughts may sound like the thoughts and statements listed above. Ask yourself…is this true? Is there another question to ask? Is there another way to look at this? What evidence do I have that this is true? What evidence that I have that this is not true? Even if this thought or statement is true, is it helpful or productive? How likely is it that it will happen? Even it is does happen, will I be okay? What would happen or what would I do if I did not believe this anymore? After you ask yourself these questions, challenge yourself to arrive at a new thought, question, or belief that incorporates more balanced truths and more productive, hopeful, and accurate thoughts. Then, rehearse these more balanced thoughts in your mind. Put them on repeat! You may have to do this challenge and change process often…and that’s okay. No judgment!

• Heal from your wounds. As I mentioned, self-doubt can be rooted in previous life experiences. Sometimes it takes deep reflection and inner work to heal from the past. Allow God’s love to restore and heal you…and it is also okay to reach out to a professional mental health provider (i.e., counselor, therapist) to walk alongside you in this process. There are several helpful resources to find a provider, but one is Therapy for Black Girls.  You can also talk to your Primary Care Provider (PCP) for helpful resources in our community.