Am I Giving My Power Away??

According to Merriam-Webster, power is “the ability to act or produce an effect…legal or official authority, capacity, or right.” Synonyms for power are authority, control, command, grip, hold, and mastery (Merriam-Webster). Have you or do you give your power away? Have you given a person, group of people, organization, job, school, or church authority, control or command over you, your thoughts, your emotions, or decisions in an unhealthy or unbalanced way? That was a mouth full! Read these questions more than once and honestly reflect on them. You may not have intentionally or consciously given power away. Actually, it rarely happens this way. This is why self-awareness is so important!

Do you still have the ability to produce an effect in your own life based on your values, ideas, priorities, and desires? Again, genuinely reflect on this. I know that I have given my power away before…maybe not all of it but certainly enough. It can happen subtly and gradually. How and why does this happen? Basically, we can all end up in unhealthy, unbalanced relationships with people and/or organizations. As humans, we desire connection, a sense of belonging, and to just plain feel a part of something. This desire is okay, typical, and healthy…the unhealthy part comes in when we get this legitimate need met in an illegitimate (unhealthy, maladaptive) way. I truly believe that we were designed by God to desire relationship and connection because He wants us to cultivate a relationship with Him…and with a community of loving, stable, supportive people.

As I mentioned, sometimes this healthy need for relationship gets distorted and we try to get this need met in an unhelpful way. This especially happens if you have had difficult or traumatic experiences that continue to impact your views or thoughts about power. Traumatic, scary experiences could make you feel like you have little or no power or control over your life, feelings, or behaviors and you might not trust yourself. You (without fully realizing it) allow others to make decisions for you without giving adequate consideration of your feelings, thoughts and needs. For example, parenting, clothing, dating, or career choices could be made based on other people’s beliefs, opinions, or reactions. This thought might sound like “I don’t really enjoy teaching/nursing (or fill in the blank) but my family says that we have teachers/nurses in our family, it is a steady job, and it’s a great way to give back to the community.” This is just one of many examples of ways you (we) can subtly give our power away. This does not occur only when someone has experienced trauma, but trauma is certainly one way people’s ideas of power are impacted. It is very important to note that people exposed to trauma have NOT “given away” their power…it was taken. They are NOT victims as they can be empowered to get their voice, power, and control back!!

According to a popular, science-based counseling/therapy approach (Cognitive Processing Therapy), negative ways of giving power include:

• “Basing your actions or behaviors solely on the reactions you expect from others
• Always placing the needs of others above your own
• Allowing others easy access to your ‘hot buttons,’ to get you emotionally upset”

Positive ways of giving power include:

• “Being altruistic (helping others without expecting anything in return)
• Helping others in need or crisis
• Sharing yourself with another person as part of give-and-take in relationships”

For me, I have had a pattern of giving power to people with whom I have developed a close relationship. I have grown in this area, and I still have to work on it…I used to be so concerned with how they felt, what they thought about me, and not losing the relationships that I put their feelings and opinions over mine far too often. I was not fair to myself, and this created an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship. This was ultimately not good for me AND the other person. Have you ever done that? Are you currently doing this? I know we are taught to think of others, which is great and healthy! However, this is about balance and giving people an unhealthy measure of power and access to your emotions and decision-making. Sometimes you say, “he/she pressed my buttons” or “he/she knows what buttons to press!” Why do you allow access to that button? Consider why that is a button at all. What would life be like if that button was not there? When you give people access to unaddressed, unconfronted buttons; your thoughts (i.e., renting space in your head); and your decision-making process, you have essentially given them control and power over you that no human needs to have. What can be done if you are giving power away?

1. Self-awareness. Yep, I am always talking about self-awareness. You have to know it (giving power) is happening. Pay attention to what drives your decisions and emotional responses.
   
2. Acknowledge. If you realize others have more power and control over you than what is healthy, acknowledge it as such. Acknowledge it without judgment of you or that person. Judgment leads to no good end. We all fall into unhelpful patterns…and others are still growing and learning as well and might not even realize that the pattern is occurring. Acknowledge and adjust accordingly.
   
3. Boundaries. Set and keep healthy boundaries. Limit access to you. Limit access physically, emotionally, financially, sexually, and in any other way that is appropriate and healthy for you (see https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/boundaries-psychoeducation-printout.pdf for more information about types of boundaries).
   
4. Healthy Relationships. Seek wise counsel regarding healthy relationships. Know what it means to have a health relationship. Reflect on characteristics of healthy friendships, work relationships, church relationships, romantic relationships, parent-child relationships, and so forth. Nurture healthy relationships. Yes, this takes work. For me, a healthy relationship is reciprocal, loving, mutually uplifting and encouraging, supportive, and loyal. There might also be correction (especially from mentors) and constructive feedback (especially from friends, partners, or parents) that is not unnecessarily harsh, critical, or unkind.
   
5. Remember your value and worth. Remember that you are beautifully and wonderfully made by our loving Creator. You were “intricately and skillfully formed…” (Psalms 139:14-15). You are thoroughly known and loved by God! As my grandmother would say, remember who and Whose you are. Create and routinely recite affirmations or confessions that remind you of your value. Do not let others define you or project their “stuff” on you. You are valuable and worthy; your needs, thoughts, feelings, and views are important; and you are loved and lovable. Consider what is best for you and good for you!